Myra, stop it!!!

So, the title of this post might be confusing to you guys....not unlike a lot of my OTHER post titles...haha. But seriously, I had like an epiphany today, and I felt like I needed to share it with SOMEONE.....and what better place than my blog??

The song that is in the video below pretty much says it all, so if you would, just give it a listen before you read the rest of the post.








So. Now that the whole ambiance is set here, I'm going to explain to you what all this nonsense is about.


I, as some of you may know and some of you may not, am a very closed-off person. I don't like to share my feelings with people. Sometimes, I like to pretend that I'm this hard person who doesn't trust anyone and never allows herself to get hurt. But underneath that, I probably trust easier than anyone else in the world. And because of that, I do often get hurt. I can't tell you how many times I've sat in my bed crying at night because of someone hurting me. I am very vulnerable, even though I like to act like I'm not.

Call me a dreamer, but I like to believe that essentially people are good, and that in everyone there is some measure of childlike innocence. I don't like to recognize that there is evil in the world. Oh, I know it's there, all right.....I just don't like to acknowledge its existence. Example. I dated this guy who cheated on me, and so I dumped him. But I wanted to believe he had made a human mistake, so I took him back. And he cheated on me again. Now, I'm not so much of an idiot as to have taken him back a second time....but most people would have run away in the opposite direction after the FIRST time. However, being the somewhat naive person I am, I couldn't comprehend in my mind doing something like that. Let alone doing it twice.

Now, I'm not blaming this young man. in fact, he and I are in an amiable relationship in which I do not dislike him one bit. He is NOT a bad person, he just made some bad decisions. And who hasn't? I'm the last one to point the finger of blame in someone else's face. In fact, I think essentially this guy is pretty nice. As my mom always tells me, "There are mad kids and sad kids, but there's no such thing as bad kids." And I believe that whole-heartedly.

I'm going off on a tangent. Let me get back on track.

What I'm trying to say is, because of my naivety and vulnerability (although I can pretend all I want I'm a tough chick who doesn't depend on anyone else OR trust them, it's a total LIE) I've been hurt a lot. Some of it I handled well, some of it I didn't. For a long time, I did things to release the hurt and frusteration that I'm not proud of. (Again, I didn't go out and get drunk, do drugs, or have sex with a bunch of people...I just did stuff that wasn't good for me.) And I pretty much have made a habit of living in the past. This is pretty much what goes through my head on a daily basis.

"Well, maybe if I hadn't done this......Or what if I had said this instead.....I should have just......If I hadn't been so......Maybe things wouldn't be this way if I......Did I do something wrong???......Maybe I said something......I'm not good enough......If I was this way......What did I do to deserve this?"


And let me tell you, I have gotten REAL tired of it. All day long, over and over, wondering if I could have done things different. When you know what? None of it is really important anymore.


Something I've realized, is that you can't live in the past. Because if you do, you will miss all the beautiful and wonderful things happening NOW. And I feel like (as stated in the title) God id telling me to STOP worrying about things I can't change and make my present something worth remembering. Dwelling on things that have already happened won't change how they happened, or how you felt about it. Reliving the events that hurt you over and over won't take away the pain. If anything, it makes it worse. What if you like, broke your arm? And you sat around all pathetic in your cast thinking about all the things you could have done to NOT break your arm. Is it gonna make your arm any less broken? No! Is it going to take away the pain you felt when it happened? NO. It's the same with things that hurt your heart. Thinking about what you could have done isn't going to make your heart any less hurt, or take away the memory of what hurt it. What you CAN do, is learn what you can, apply it to your FUTURE, and never think about it again.


And for that matter, when someone breaks your heart, it's not YOUR fault. I know it feels like it is, and you go over and over every little detail in your head wondering what you did wrong. Oftentimes, you did NOTHING wrong. I promise. And a lot of the time, THEY did nothing wrong either. Sometimes.....things just don't work out. And you can't control someone else's feelings over you any more than you can control the ocean tide or the lightning during a thunderstorm. You can't change the past. It is inevitably going to remain the same no matter what you do. You can't change the way people act. The one thing you can do, though?

Stop beating yourself up, and move on. I know, because I have beat myself up so much over things that are over and done with, I'm surprised someone hasn't already called child protective services on me for abuse. But seriously....one thing I've learned about life, if I've learned anything at all, is that it goes on. And you can either go with it, or you can stay in the past all alone. Which will you choose?

Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to move on from this blog post (because it's in the past, and I'm applying this whole "moving on" theme here" to go chat with my good friend Jordan. Because I feel a very long and hilarious conversation in my FUTURE.

See how nicely that works out? Moving on is fun. Try it.

:)

FHRUINRERUEASJDIOAFRNUIERA!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, THAT is how I feel right now. Because it appears that EVERYONE ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET is determined to tick me off, guilt me, and otherwise RUIN MY LIFE.

I seriously do not understand people. Really. I have the worst people radar in the world. The minute I think I can trust someone and open up to them, they totally crush me and I'm like, "Gee, thanks for that. Yeah, I like a good knife in the back once in a while. Really releases that tension in my spine."

I just don't comprehend some people. I really don't. And I'm not the stupid cliche "I HATE EVERYTHING AND I DON'T TRUST ANYONE AND THE WHOLE WORLD IS A DARK DEPRESSING PIT OF DESPAIRRRRR" kind of teen. The only things I hate are hypocrites, brussell sprouts, liars, and canteloupe, I trust a few people (but only a few) and I think the world is a beautiful place. I just think that sometimes, people are TOTALLY OUT TO DRIVE ME COMPLETELY INSANE.


.......Or that's what it feels like, anyway. It's just not fair.

And yeah yeah, I know the old cliche. "Well, Myra, the WORLD isn't fair."

To which I say, I am TOTALLY aware.

I just wish it was unfair in MY favor sometimes....

Frankly, my dear...You are an unworthy piece of crap.

Bet THAT title got your attention, yes? Well, good, because it was supposed to. I've had a couple things weighing on my mind for the last two or three weeks, and I think the only way I'll be able to get my mind to SHUTUP is by writing it all out.

Let's be honest here. We're all human. And we make mistakes, LOTS of them. And I feel like lately, all of my mistakes are of the CATASTROPHIC variety. You know, the kind where you just want to lie down where no one else can see you and curl up and cry. A lot. Lots of crying. And something I've found lately, is, sometimes the things you do can hurt so badly that even all the crying in the world can't fix it or make you feel better.

Something I haven't really touched on in any of my posts (ANOTHER one of those mistakes I was talking about) is my faith. I am a daughter of God, flawed though I may be. However, in the last few months, I have NOT been the Christlike example that God calls us all to be. I have felt dirty, and unworthy to be called a Christian. Now, if I told the average person all the things I have done to make me feel this way, they would probably say something along the lines of "Oh, Myra. Don't be silly. You haven't done anything too bad. It's not like you killed anyone." Which may be true, but let me share something my youth minister said in a lesson one time that I think should put that statement into a different perspective for you.

If I went outside right now and stepped on an ant and killed it, no one would care. It would not upset or affect anyone- except maybe some kind of freak ant enthusiast. I'm sure there's one out there somewhere.

Now, lets say I moved up from ants and went and killed, say, a cat. Some people would be upset, and PETA would probably throw a bunch of red paint on me. But it's not like I would go to jail for the rest of my life.

Now. What if I killed an innocent child? A defenseless baby, even? Ohhhhhh, man. I would get arrested, I would go to jail, I would lose everything and everyone I care about, and might even get the death penalty and die for it. Because that's an awful, awful thing to do. (cough cough CASEY ANTHONY).

But look back. It's the same thing, every time. Every time,I was killing something. It was the same act. The only variable that changes is who the act is committed against. It's not the action itself that people pay attention to, it's who it's done to.

Now think here....when you sin, who are you committing the sin against? Sometimes it might be against something as trivial as an ant, sometimes you might even end up hurting another human being. But in reality, EVERY SIN YOU EVER COMMIT IS AGAINST GOD.

God, who is more important than an ant. More important than a cat. More important than a baby.

When you lie, you are lying to GOD.

When you say hurtful things, you're hurting GOD.

When you commit adultery, you are cheating on GOD.

No matter what sin you commit, all of them are equally damning. Because all of them are committed against God. So why is it that some sins are trivialized, and made out as "not as bad" as others? Everyone flips out when a murder is committed, but how many people care when someone lies? Or when they disrespect their parents? Or when they begin to idolize other things besides God?

Think. It's not the sin. It's the importance, if you will, of the person it is committed against. And every time, it's GOD you're sinning against. Think about that next time you tell a little white lie and try to rationalize that there are "worse things" you could be doing. Think about it next time you put someone down. The next time you think, "It's okay for me to sleep with my boyfriend/girlfriend because we love each other".

None of it is okay. All of it is equally wrong. Do NOT make the so called "smaller" sins okay for you. And do not tolerate them in others. TELL a fellow brother or sister in Christ when they're wrong!!! Do not tell them lying is okay. Or cheating. Or disrespecting their parents. Or going out with friends instead of church, thereby putting them before God.

Now back to the title of this post, to which you might say, "Hey, Myra. That's like, totally harsh." Well, maybe. But it's true. I'm an unworthy piece of crap and so are you and everyone else. And if you ever meet anyone who's all, "Yeah dude, I'm TOTALLY worthy for the grace of God. I deserve it, yo!!!" Run away fast because he is INSANE. None of us are worthy of God's love and mercy.

WE ARE ALL UNWORTHY PIECES OF CRAP.

But hey, good news!!!! One of the great things about God's grace is that he gives it to us even though we ARE undeserving. And He can wash away all those feelings of not being good enough, of being dirty, unworthy, and like you don't matter. So cheer up, Charlie, there's hope. :)

I hope you all have taken something positive away from all this....I've never written a post like this before, so I hope you all liked it. Comment and let me know your thoughts on all this. And from now on I'll keep you guys more updated on my walk with Christ. Just know, if you are struggling or have problems, you are not alone. :))

Bye!

A Tribute To Otto!!!! You are more important than a grandma!

So, yesterday was a sad day for the Boulware household. We lost a member of our family. :( No, no, my parents and brother are fine...but our little cat Otto passed away on the operating table yesterday morning while he was supposed to be getting fixed. Which really threw everyone in the house into this dark depressing mood. Seriously. It was bad.

And at church last night when some kid (who I do not know and have never seen before in my life) asked me why I was sad, and I told him my cat had died, he looked at me like I was some freak and was all, "So? It's just a cat." And I was like, "WHAT?!?!?" And he replied, "Well, it's not like he was a person. It's sadder when a person dies. My grandma died last month." And so I looked right back at him and said, "SO???? It's just a grandma." And when he continued to look at me like I was from Mars, I went on, "Did GRANDMA ever sit in your lap and purr when you were feeling blue? Did good ol' GRANNY ever jump on your shoulder and lick your ears while you were sitting at the computer? Did she hiss at your boyfriend when you brought him home to meet the family because she could tell he was bad news?? I don't THINK so!!!!"


Now, you might be saying to yourself, "Myra.....don't you think that was a little unnecessary?"

To which I say....

NO.

Cats are just as important as grandmas.

Also, THIS particular cat happened to be a polydactyl, which is TOTALLY cool. Does YOUR grandma have eight toes on each paw???

Yeah, that's what I thought.

This is the part where everything changes.

Alright. So....

Since the last time I wrote on this blog, a lot has changed. A LOT.
Since I don't really feel that the magnitude of how much has changed is getting through to you people, I shall repeat it again.

A LOT HAS CHANGED.

Of course, not all of it is stuff I can just put on a public blog for all of creation to see. In fact, the majority of it is not. I wish I could tell you every little detail of everything I've been through the last six months or so, but I have never been one for airing the dirty laundry. Or the clean laundry, as a matter of fact. I've always felt that laundry is something extremely personal that should be kept to oneself.

However, with all that being said, there are a few things I CAN tell you.

For one, I am no longer Troy University bound. GASP! I know, I know, I was all gung-ho for it not six months ago, right? But upon further reflection, prayer, and consideration, I opted instead to go to Huntingdon, for a plethora of differing reasons. I recently went to orientation there, and I loved it so much, I didn't want to leave. The people and the atmosphere of the place is outstanding. But I digress....

You may have noticed that the name of my blog has changed. It is no longer "The Secret Life of the American Band Geek". Well, that's because I see myself as so much more than that now. For a while there, band kind of ruled my life. NOT that I'm complaining. Marching band is an incredible experience that I would recommend to anyone to participate in. But I don't want to simply be known as the girl that was in band. I want to be known as so much more than that.

You also might be confused at the new title, and the significance behind it. Well, for any of you that have read the novel "Gone With the Wind", it won't be that hard to figure out, and you can skip the paragraph below. For the rest of you, here is a quick plot summary. (Forgive me for the lack of details, but it IS a rather long and complicated book and I can't, obviously, include everything.)

Scarlett O'Hara is the daughter of a wealthy plantation owner in Georgia, right before the outbreak of the Civil War. She is a spoiled brat by all accounts, and used to getting everything-and everyone- she desires. She is ALSO desperately in love with the son of a neighboring planter, Ashley Wilkes. However, she is denied of something she wants for the first time in her life when he marries another girl- his own cousin, Melanie. ( I know, marrying your cousin is weird. But just bear with me here.) Anyway, throughout the duration of the war, Scarlett lives in silent- yet violent- desire for Ashley, and hatred of Melanie. She marries other men, but never has true feelings for them. The last man she marries in the book is named Rhett Butler, a scoundrel of a blockade runner. Unbeknownst to Scarlett, Rhett is very much in love with her, for all her penny-pinching and heartbreaking ways, and even though he knows of her feelings for Ashley. In the end, Melanie dies in childbirth, and Scarlett (in a very untimely manner, I might add) realizes she was wrong about EVERYTHING in her life. She was wrong to hate Melanie, who never wanted anything more than to be her friend. She was wrong to love Ashley, because they would have SUCKED as a couple, and they would never have understood each other. In the midst of this epiphany, she ALSO comes to the realization that she is in love with Rhett (her own husband. How ironic.). She rushes home to tell him of her sudden change of heart, but it does no good. Rhett's feelings for her have worn out, and he is tired of fighting against her so-called love for Ashley. Scarlett begs for him to stay and insists of her love for him. As Rhett is walking out the door, she asks him what she's supposed to do without him. He turns to her and says, "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn."

SO. Now that we have all the background story out of the way, the relevance of the new title is this.

I feel that, like the unfortunate Scarlett, I have also been miserably, totally, and disturbingly WRONG about EVERYTHING in my life. I have been wrong to push away people that cared about me, and I have been MORE wrong to let people in my life that were never supposed to be there in the first place. I, like Scarlett, feel like I chase after things that, even if I obtained them, would not make me happy. I have made some very, very bad decisions. Now don't freak out, I haven't been running around doing drugs and getting drunk and driving recklessly. That's not how I roll. I HAVE been reckless in other ways, though. I've been reckless with other people's hearts, and worse, I have entrusted MY heart to people that were reckless with it. And, at the end of the day, when I just want the world to say "Oh, Myra, it's alright. Everything is going to be okay.", instead it is walking out the door and saying, "Frankly my dear...I don't give a damn."

I know, I know... I am WAY too young to sound this cynical. But who is to say that a person's experience of life is measured solely in years? I feel that, at only eighteen, I have lived more life than some people who are seventy-five. I have loved more violently, been more brutally broken, cried more tears, laughed harder, and seen more of the world than half of the people in this small country town I live in EVER will. The quality of someone's life should not be measured in years, because life is so much more than just a number. And that's about all I have to say about that.


Whew! Guess I had a lot more to say than I originally planned....haha. Thank you for bearing with me this long. Anyway....I'm sure you'll be hearing from me more frequently from here on out. After all, who else am I going to complain about my life to? :)

God bless, I'll see ya soon.

Oh.....Life. :)

Happy Thanksgiving, my lovelies!!!!! I hope all of you gained at least ten pounds today. I know I did.

Anyway....to make up for the fact that I am an awful and inconsistent blogger, I decided to write a post. (deep breath) Here goes!


So, we are off from school all this week and I took the opportunity to spend some time with some awesome friends :) My very good friend, Andrew, and his lovely mother invited me and my friend Rickey over for a very late birthday gathering at his house yesterday. (YES I AM EIGHTEEN NOW!!!!) We spent the whole night sitting in his front yard. Well, Andrew and I sat and watched as Jacob stripped off his shirt and was promptly chased around the yard by Rickey.

What can I say...my friends are strange. But I love them. :)



Alsoooooo, update! I am officially trying out for Try University's colorguard in the spring (!!!!!!!!!) and I am currently in the midst of trying to make up my try-out routine. I think I have finally decided on a song, at least...It's called 'Stay" by Jesse Thomas. And ALL OF YOU should Youtube it and let me know what you think.

Readdddyyyy.....GO!

What?!!? Myra's Still Alive?!?

Fear not, fair blog followers!!!! I am still here! ........

Ok,ok.... so I'm a crappy blogger. Sorry. :/ BUT, in my defense, I have been RIDICULOUSLY busy the past couple weeks. I've barely had time to eat or sleep, let alone leisurely wander over to my computer all "ho hum, I'm so desperately bored, I do believe I shall post on my blog."

Anyway, let me fill you in on some of the things that have been going on in the wonderful world of Myra Boulware.
First of all....SENIOR PICS!!! Taken by the lovely and talented Jennie Smithson.

















She is quite talented, as you can see. :)

I would love to say that my life has been drama-free lately. But sadly, that is not the case. I do not feel like sharing with you all of my problems (mostly because I would be up for like seven hours typing all of them) but you will be glad to know that most of them have been resolved, with the exception of one or two. I would just like to leave it at this...It is really sad when it's not the child who causes the drama, but the parent. Just sayin.

Like I said, I've been extremely busy (aka I'VE BEEN STRESSED TO THE EXTREME) with senior things. This past Sunday was, "Myra Applies to Possible Future Colleges Day". So hopefully the next time I write, I'll be able to say I've been accepted somewhere. I think my ACT score of 28 might be helpful....we'll have to wait and see. :)

Oh! I almost forgot. Among all the stressful and dramatic things in my life, there is one positive aspect that I am quite excited about!!!

I recently was given a new kitten by my parents and she is adorable. I shall show you her picture!

She is the one on the left. Her name is Poppet, for the sole purpose of being able to walk through the door and say, 'Ello, Poppet!!!!" :D And yes...she has SIX TOES on each paw!!!! She's what's called a polydactyl.The other one is her brother, who was given to MY brother Alec. He christened his kitten "Otto", after some weird emperor. What can I say, the kid is a history major!

Anyway, that's all for now...it's late and honestly I am quite tired. So hopefully I will be able to catch up with you people more often when marching season is over this Saturday.


.......OMG MARCHING SEASON IS OVER THIS SATURDAY!!!!!! OH NO WHAT AM I GONNA DO!?!??!?