The Boyfriend Handbook

So, it's three AM and I get a text from Boyfriend asking me if I'm still awake. Normally this would tick off most girlfriends, but since Boyfriend apparently knows me pretty well, he knows I am basically nocturnal and never sleep. Mostly because at every moment of nighttime I'm too busy being paranoid that there is a crazed serial killer/rapist/one of those things from The Hills Have Eyes hiding under my bed or in my closet waiting to attack to be able to sleep. I'm actually pretty positive that I'm doomed to die at the hands of that little girl from Case 39, or The Orphan. This is why cute children are the scariest things ever.


Anyway, I text him back telling him I'm still awake and he informs me that he is about to go hunting.

I told him I was pretty sure hunting season was over. But apparently breaking the law doesn't matter to Boyfriend because he responded by asking me if I was going with him to one of his mandatory recitals at 3 PM. (He's a music major at Huntingdon, and they are required to attend a certain number of recitals per semester.) To which I asked, "3 PM tomorrow?" Which to me was an entirely valid question, but Boyfriend decided to be all sarcastic and say, "No. Today. You know, Sunday?" And I was all, "That's what I meant, smarty pants. Everyone knows it doesn't officially count as tomorrow until you can see daylight."

Which is totally and completely true, and I don't see why this concept was so hard for him. But apparently it was, because he decided not to respond to me. Of course, it was now 3:30 AM, and I was not happy with this. I was awake and needed someone to talk to. So I sent this.

ME- "TALK TO ME BECAUSE IT'S 3:30 AM AND I'M TIRED OF FACEBOOKING!!!! ALSO YOU ARE MY BOYFRIEND AND SO IT IS YOUR JOB TO ENTERTAIN ME WHEN I'M BORED AS FREAK!!!!!!"

And Boyfriend thought THIS was an acceptable reply.

BOYFRIEND- "I'm effing hungry."

This, obviously, was not the reply I was looking for at all, so I told him he was not only a complete failure at entertaining me, but that him being hungry was no news to me. Because Boyfriend is ALWAYS hungry. I then told him he was now the inspiration for my latest blog post, which was to be entirely focused on the rules of being a boyfriend (namely being there for my personal entertainment) and that he had to read it. And when he said nope, I responded by saying that one of the rules was that he had to read the rules. And since he hasn't replied to that yet, I can only assume I have stumped him with my brilliant rule-ception and that he had succumbed to my authority.

So, anyway, here is my incomplete list of Rules For Being a Good Boyfriend.

THE BOYFRIEND HANDBOOK
IF YOU DO NOT DO THESE THINGS YOU FAIL AS A BOYFRIEND.

1. You must read the rules. No exceptions.
   
2. If I am awake at completely indecent hours of the morning, it is YOUR job to stay awake and entertain me with humorous text messages and witty anecdotes. If you fail at this then I reserve the right to send you the following emoticons- :( :'( >:( and if I'm really mad, D:<
3. You must bring me food when I'm on my period. The only thing that doesn't make me feel like my uterus is going to fall out and then proceed to beat up the rest of my body is sugar. Like chocolate. And donuts.
   
4. You must listen to all my pointless ranting and raving about how stupid everyone in the world is, and how much more fabulous I am in comparison. And you must agree.
5. If I ask you if you think another girl is cute, then you must respond by telling me that compared to me, every other girl looks like that police woman chick in Silent Hill after she got burned by those creepy bible-bangers because they thought she was a witch.
6. You are most definitely NOT allowed to pass gas in my presence. I hereby consider it a sin and if you do not comply with this rule, I reserve the right to attack you violently with air freshener and perfume AND you will be forced to sit in time-out to think about what you have done.
7. You may NOT stop right in the middle of a kiss to check your cell phone if you get a text message. I guarantee you that the world is not going to implode if you don't text back immediately.
   
8. If I am complaining to you about how another girl was rude, hurtful, or otherwise a complete butthead to me, it is your obligation as Boyfriend to verbally bash her in every way you know how. Refer to Rule #4.
9. I'm the girl. You're the boy. If you don't text first, we don't talk today. End of story.
   
10. Expanding on Rule#9, it is your responsibility to at least say "hi" to me every few hours. Call it paranoid, and not every girl will admit to it, but when a girl doesn't hear from her boyfriend for more than a few hours, he following things creep into her mind- "He's cheating on me", "He hates me", "He's mad at me", "He died in a car wreck", "He's running away to Vegas with both of the Olsen Twins". So yeah. Unless you want a paranoid wreck of a girlfriend, a text every four or five hours is appreciated.
    
11. YOU MUST LAUGH AT ALL MY JOKES. I don't care if you don't think they're funny. If I have to listen to you talk about Modern Warfare 3 and Skyrim, you can at least do me the courtesy of pretending you appreciate what an advanced sense of humor I have and what a hilarious GENIUS I am, dangit.
    

Anyway, this list of rules is incomplete, but I'm sure I'll be expanding upon them in the future. But right now since it's 5 AM, I'm pretty sure sleeping would be a great idea. It's definitely safe to sleep now. No one ever gets brutally murdered during the daytime.



UPDATE- 2/25/12

I have now come up with Rule #12- You are not allowed to antagonize me while I am ill. It's like shooting fish in a barrel and it makes me irritated. Furthermore, when I tell you I'm pretty sure I'm gonna die, and at my funeral it is your moral obligation to cry and act pathetic and tell people how awesome I was, the proper response is "Of course I will, and I will also put together a slideshow of all your best facebook profile profile pictures to the song "I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing" because that will make everyone cry like babies."