Thursday, June 28, 2012

Winn Dixie, Kissing, and Why College is Awesome.

Hey guys. Due to the highly frustrating responses on the facebook page for the blog, I am writing on three different topics today. So today's post is split into three parts. Sorry for the spazzyness of it all, but it's really all your fault. Oh, and here's the link to the facebook page in case you are a loser and haven't already liked it.  


 ~I Am Apparently a Rain Goddess~

So, I've officially been working at Winn Dixie (Actually, technically we're Winn Dixie/Bi-Low now, as they told me FIVE MILLION TIMES at my training, since we merged with another company) for about a month and a half now. I thought to myself at the beginning of summer, "Oh, getting a job will be fun. I'll make money and feel independent. This will be great."

Little did I know the horrors in store for me.

First of all, I would just like to say that working a register during the five o'clock rush of people coming home from work is pretty much the equivalent to being dropped into the middle of a Star Trek convention and you're William Shatner. In a nutshell, HELL ON EARTH. Also, like everyone is trying to get your attention and talk to you and tell you what to do all at the same time.

But you know the worst part? It's not the five o'clock rush, or the aching feet, or the less-than-welcoming management staff.


I'm pretty much totally convinced now that Satan created coupons especially for me, to punish me for all the bad things I've ever done. I swear, some of these women come through the line and at the end of the transaction they literally will pull out BINDERS full of coupons. And it wouldn't be so bad, except since Winn-Dixie COMPLETELY SUCKS, they don't register all the coupons in the system. So the vast majority of them REFUSE to scan. And then you have to squint super hard at all the little numbers and type in the coupon code manually. When this happens multiple times in a row, the little Coupon Queens get mad and they get all like, "Can you hurry this up?? I have kids to pick up from soccer practice." And I just want to be like, "Um, ma'am? Calm yourself. I have no problem whatsoever going all YOLO on you, throwing your coupons in your FACE, and running out of the store yelling obscenities."But obviously I can't do that, so I just have to be sweet and smiley and go, "I'm sorry, ma'am. I will certainly try to speed things up."


Also, customers seem to have a nasty habit of blaming me personally for all their problems. I had a lady come in last week, looking very agitated. She was sighing heavily and scowling at the tomatoes I was scanning like they had offended her in some way. Then she glares at me and goes, "It's RAINING." I was just like...."....Yes. It certainly is." She then gets extremely hissy and goes, "My son's BIRTHDAY PARTY was supposed to be today. It as a POOL PARTY. And now it's ruined. Because it's RAINING." At this point I was entirely fed up with her attitude and said as sweetly and sincerely as I could, "Would you like me to come to your house and hold a giant umbrella over your pool for you?" If looks could kill, I wouldn't be writing this right now, because she gave me the kinda stink eye I usually reserve for lawyers and republicans, and proceeded to storm out of the store. I was all, "Whatever. I charged you for Roma tomatoes instead of vine tomatoes. You had to pay three cents extra."

It's the little revenges that are the most satisfying.


~My First Kiss Went a Little Like This.......~

Alright, I need to set the whole scene for this before I tell you about the actual kiss. Mostly for MY benefit instead of yours, because I need to remind myself exactly what happened. It's a little fuzzy. But give me a break. It was like three years ago.


So, I was a Junior in high school. At this point in my life, I was a HUGE band nerd (still am.). I had been dating this guy (For the sake of protecting his identity, we shall call him "Previous Boyfriend" in this post) for about...a month, I think? I think it was around a month. Maybe shorter. I don't know. I'm terrible with remembering things like that. But I digress.

Anyway, this kid was a saxophone player in our band. Let's face it, everyone knows it's true, when you're a band kid, you typically date other band kids. It's just natural. Besides, saxophone players are the bomb diggity. At any rate, in spite of that, the whole relationship was rather awkward to begin with, due to several things.

1- I had never had a legit boyfriend before. So I had NO freaking idea what the crap to do with myself. How is a girlfriend supposed to act?? I STILL don't know. How I've managed to hang onto Boyfriend for almost a year I'll never know.

2- This particular guy was VERY experienced with women already, if you get my drift. Being the girl who still hadn't kissed anyone, this was just slightly intimidating. Okay, a LOT intimidating.

3- The guy ALSO had a very complicated romantic past with one of my best friends at the time, which obviously was uncomfortable for everyone involved.

4- Let's just be honest, I'm a naturally awkward individual.

With all that taken into account, I was still having trouble getting used to being someone's girlfriend. So kissing hadn't even crossed my mind. Heck, I was still trying to master the art of TALKING to him without feeling awkward.

So, a day at school came where Previous Boyferiend was acting strange. I would catch him giving me weird looks. Like, ALL DAY. And then at break, just after first period, he told me he had something for me after band practice that day.

For any of you that know me, you will already know my reaction to this statement without me telling you. For the rest of you, let me give you a little peek of what was going through my mind all day long.


I've always been paranoid when it comes to relationships. Boyfriend is always telling me to chill out and not worry so much, but it never works. I am paranoid all the time. So you can imagine what a statement like, "I have something for you after band practice", coupled with the weird looks, would do to my brain.

So, after mentally tearing myself to shreds all day, the time finally came during band practice when the drum major told us it was time to quit and go home for the day. I walked back to the bandroom, avoiding Previous Boyfriend like the plague. Mostly because I didn't want to get dumped in front of the whole band.

While I'm in the guard room getting my stuff together, a little middle school saxophone player runs in and tells me, "(Insert Name Of Previous Boyfriend Here) wants you to come to the saxophone room when you're done." and ran out. This cued my complete mental breakdown and I began to hyperventilate. I forced myself to get a grip and walked to the saxophone room. I swear I felt like I was walking the Green Mile. I get in there and Previous Boyfriend is standing there, looking very annoyed while one of my friends giggles, looking at both of us. He tells her to go away and she does, leaving us alone in the room. He tells me to close my eyes, that he has something for me. I do, and at this point my brain is going, "HOLY CRAP. This is it. He's gonna dump me. I'm probably gonna open my eyes and he's gonna be holding a huge sign that says "CONGRATS!!! YOU'RE SINGLE!!!!!" I hate myself. It's because I don't look like Natalie Portman. I should shave my head."

However, instead of a break-up sign, I hear him move towards me. And then I feel something completely foreign to me touch my lips. And then I realize they're HIS lips. And my brain does this.


He pulls back and I open my eyes. He's smiling. I kinda manage a half-smile back. Then I feel awkward. Like, what do you SAY to someone after that? "Oh hey, thanks. That was nice." So I kinda turn to walk out of the room. My original plan was to sweep gracefully out the door. What ACTUALLY happened was that I stumbled on my way out, ran INTO the door, hit my face on the doorframe, and then ran out like a retard, giggling the whole time.

So, overall, I think I handled the whole situation pretty well.

Thankfully for CURRENT Boyfriend, I have learned how to kiss people without running into doorframes and giggling. For the most part anyway. Sometimes I still giggle.

....I'm just gonna shut up now.


~Why College and High School Are Incomparable To Each Other, Because High School Sucks And College Kicks Booty~

I was a little perplexed as to how exactly approach this post. I have decided that the simplest thing to do is to make a list. So here you go. I will most likely do updates on this post, as I will probably think of more things later on.

High School- If you miss more than three days of school, you get in trouble. And your parents get called. Also, you can't be exempt from exams.
College- "Taking attendance"???? HA!!!!!!!!

High School- If the teachers can't come to class, a substitute is hired and class goes on as normal.
College- Teacher doesn't show up within the first fifteen minutes of class, you get to go home. Or to Taco Bell. Speaking of which,

High School-
Mommy makes all your food at home.

High School- "OH MY GOD, I MADE A B!!! I'M SO DUMB, I'M DROPPING OUT!!!!!!"


High School- If you even chew gum in class, you get in trouble.
College- Not only do people bring full meals to class, sometimes the professor will walk by your desk and take a bit of whatever it is you're eating. It's good to find out what foods your professors DON'T like, that way you can eat it in class and they won't steal it. For instance, never bring Cadbury Eggs to Religion classes with Dr. Eggleston at Huntingdon. You will not get to eat any of them. But you are perfectly safe bringing them to Dr. Albritton's class. The only thing he likes to steal are Cheetos.

High School- Come to class fully dressed, looking clean and presentable.
College- Roll out of bed. Grab a box of Poptarts. Come to class as you are. Seriously. I went to class one day on accident without a bra.

High School- Fire drills are no big deal. They are even welcomed, because it means you get out of class for a few minutes.
College- Fire drills are still no big deal. Unless you happen to be me, in which case they seem to occur EVERY TIME I DECIDE TO TAKE A SHOWER. If I have to walk outside my dorm ONE MORE TIME wearing just a towel, I'll be upset.

High School- Freshmen guys hit on the senior girls.
College- Senior guys hit on the freshmen girls.

High School- "Failed a test, no big deal. There will be plenty more. I can bring it up."
College- "FAILED A TEST, MY LIFE IS OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!"

High School- "Disney movies?? Nah, I wanna watch Saw. Disney is for babies."
College- "( one person in a room)-LET'S GET DOWN TO BUSINESSSSSS!!!!!" (Everyone else)-  "TO DEFEATTTTT, THE HUNS!!!!!!!!!"

High School- Ask you parent for money, they give you five bucks- "What?? I can't buy ANYTHING with five dollars!!!!"

This is all I can come up with right now. There are lots more, but my brain hurts. Also I'm hungry. Time for Family Guy and FOOD.

Don't forget to like my facebook page, guys!!!! Bye :)

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

If there's anyone out there that loves me...

You guys.


WHY AM I UP?!?!?!?!?

But seriously though, I'm pretty sure I'm delirious right now. But it's not my fault. I worked from 3 to 11 today and besides the fact that my feet are KILLING ME, I had to deal with some serious weirdos today. Like for instance, I had a man come through my line earlier and made me check EVERYTHING HE BOUGHT to make sure it wasn't made in China. He kept shouting at me, "CHINA NO GOOD!!! CHINA SUCK!!! NO CHINESE PRODUCTS!!!!" Yet, when I asked where he hailed from, you wanna know where he was from? Huh? Ya wanna know?


A Chinese man who was prejudiced against Chinese products came through my line.

AND he yelled at me when I accidentally rang up a razor that was made in Germany, which is apparently almost as bad as China, and threw it across the store.

I don't even know how to handle people sometimes.

So I came home and decided to make myself feel better by going online to various websites that I like, and looking at all the things I can't afford to buy but would love to have anyway.

And I kept coming back to THIS.

Oh my god, you guys. It might just be the fact that it's 4 AM and I'm hopelessly tired, had a freaking terrible day, miss Boyfriend a lot (he's currently working hard at Spirit Camp at Huntingdon with a bunch of band kids), or a combination of all these things that is making my brain not function correctly, but for some reason I am literally OBSESSED with this thing. I WANT IT. And I'm not usually obsessive when it comes to, you know, fashion or jewelry. I wear whatever is convenient. But THIS RING. I NEED IT. So for all of you people that love me out there and want me to have a token of, I don't know, our beautiful friendship, or how deeply you love me, or just because you decided today to randomly grant someone one wish, you should buy me this. All of you should buy me one. And then I can have one on each finger. I wear a size nine in rings. And for my toes too. I don't know what size toe ring I wear. But whatever.You can all start a fundraiser for it and buy it collectively to show your appreciation for me keeping you entertained with my blog.

And if you don't, I shall simply go buy it myself. It will be a present to me from me for being me. I like it because the knot is so representative of my confusing and complicated life. And since I have a job where I get paid to put up with self-hating Chinese people, I can afford to buy myself things now.


That was unnecessary. I apologize. My only defense is that I'm overly exhausted and I need sleep. Badly.

Why did I even write this post? I didn't plan on writing again till Thursday. Now I've gone and ruined my writing schedule.

Whatever. Imma go eat a donut. And watch Family Guy.


Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Disney animals are a lie.

Can someone please remind me why I thought summer was so great in high school? Please, tell me. Because I have recently come to the realization that summer is an abomination that Satan created just to suck the life out of me, bore me, and separate me from my friends.

Alright, so maybe my dramatic side is kicking in just a little. But seriously. With the exception of the one fabulous week I spent with Boyfriend, Boyfriend's Mom, and Boyfriend's Grandma at the beach, this has been one long summer of blahhhhhh.

Speaking of the beach with Boyfriend, let me tell you a story about raccoons.

So, the house we stayed at was on a beautiful beach called Cape San Blas. There was barely anyone there, the water was clear and gorgeous, and the house was awesome. Here's the first thing I saw when we pulled up.

Due to the fact that Boyfriend thought it would be funny to tell me that we were staying in a place where the only thing I would be seeing out my window was sludgy gross pollution water, I was twice as excited as I would have normally been. I was in a room that had an equally breathtaking view and I couldn't believe how lucky I was to be there. (I also couldn't believe I didn't have to pay to be there. Boyfriend's family just invited me to tag along. I knew he was a keeper.)

Anyway, maybe the third day we were there, I was lying in bed playing Pokemon on Boyfriend's DS (He mistakenly introduced me to the utter joy that is Pokemon and I have now stolen said DS and have no intention of giving it back anytime soon) and he was playing some game on his PS3 (Or he may have been watching My Little Pony. I'm not sure.) when he was called out of the room by his mom and grandma. I ignored what was going on because I was busy kicking butt with my level 55 Blaziken. I vaguely caught the words "animal control" coming up from the bottom floor of the house, but like I said, I was busy kicking some gym leader's sorry behind.

Some time later, I went outside to go take a walk on the beach. On my way, I noticed a cage right beside the stairs leading down to the sand. And in the cage was a raccoon. It was all curled up in the corner of the cage and looked very sad. I went back upstairs where Boyfriend was still playing on his PS3 (Or watching My Little Pony. Like I said, it's hard to distinguish with him sometimes and I never really pay attention to what he's doing unless it involves me) and said, "There's a RACCOON downstairs." Boyfriend's response- "Yeah?"  I could tell I wasn't gonna get a good conversation out of him because he was engrossed with his game or his ponies or whatever the heck it was he was doing. So I went back downstairs, got a piece of bread from the kitchen, and tossed it to the poor raccoon on my way to the beach.

I had managed to forget all about the poor animal, until later that day when Boyfriend and I got back from going out for lunch. Unfortunately for us, Boyfriend's Mom and Boyfriend's Grandma had the keys to the house and they were out looking at the state park that was down the road. Also unfortunately for us, it was raining. Hard. So, we hung around in the little parking area under the stairs for a little while when I suddenly remembered the raccoon. I ran to where it's cage was, and saw something like this-

Or, at least, that's what I thought it looked like. The poor thing was all huddled in the corner of the cage. It looked very sad, very pathetic, very soaked by the cold rain, and very much like a Disney animal from Bambi or something that someone had trapped and tortured. I ran back to Boyfriend.

Me- "It's all cold. And wet. And in the RAIN."

Boyfriend-"I'm sure it's fine."

Me- "Well aren't you gonna DO anything?!?!"

Boyfriend- "Myra, it's a wild animal. I'm sure it's used to the rain. It rains in the wild all the time. Trust me, it's fine."

Me- "But it's COLD. And it's trapped in that cage!!"

Boyfriend-"Well, there's really nothing we can do about it."

Me-"......Well....SOMEONE should let it go."

Boyfriend- "You are NOT letting that thing go. It might turn on you and attack you as soon as it gets out of that cage. Don't touch it."

Me- "No it won't!!! It will be grateful I saved it and run away!"

Boyfriend-"No. You aren't letting it out."

At this point, I decided Boyfriend has a heart of stone when it comes to poor trapped woodland animals, and I had to take matters into my own hands. I started to walk over to where the cage sat.

Boyfriend- "What do you think you're doing?"

Me- "If you won't let me set it free, I'm at LEAST going to push the cage out of the rain."

I approached the cage and leaned down to put my hands on it. All of a sudden, the pathetic adorable Disney animal went from this-


It jumped at me big big scary claws that it had cleverly disguised as cute fluffy paws. I screamed like a five year old girl, guys. No lie. And then, I became indignant at the fact that I was trying to rescue this animal from the rain and it was rewarding me with scaring the ever-loving CRAP out of me.

It became a back-and forth act of me gingerly trying to pull the cage out of the rain, and the raccoon trying to murder me with its deceptively lethal teeth and claws. At this point, I became so fed up with the entire situation and the raccoon not appreciating my efforts, I began to kick the cage instead of pull it with my hands. Boyfriend was laughing the whole time, which I suppose is understandable, because if someone had happened to walk by, they would have seen a soaking wet teenage girl kicking a caged raccoon, who was consequently hissing and trying to bite and claw her through the cage, while she yells at it, "I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU!!! STOP ATTEMPTING TO HURT ME!!! STOP IT!!! I'M TRYING TO GET YOU OUT OF THE RAIN, STUPID!!!!!"

Eventually, I kicked the cage far enough under the awning so that the rain wasn't directly hitting the cage. However, there was still rain falling through the cracks of the deck up above, so I did the obvious thing. I retrieved a boogie board from the nearby closet or beach toys, and leaned it on the front of the cage. I then took the welcome mat from the side door to the house and laid it on top of the cage (All while the raccoon was still trying to make a meal out of my fingers), thus creating a little hut-like structure that would effectively keep out the rain. Or so I thought.

Feeling pretty pleased with myself, I went to where Boyfriend was sitting at the front door (I guess he had gotten tired of watching me kick the cage) and sat with him. We sat talking for a minute or two, when I heard a scratching sound and then a thud from back where the cage was. I went to look, and the stupid thing had reached through the cage with it's paw and knocked the boogie board over. I put it back up against the cage. He knocked it over again. I put it back. He reached out and pushed it over. I replaced it one more time, and he knocked it down yet again.

I had had enough. I yelled, "FINE!!!!!! STAY IN THE STUPID RAIN!! I DON'T EVEN CARE!!!!" And stomped back over to where Boyfriend was. He had the good sense not to laugh at me.A wise decision. I would have taken that caged raccoon and thrown it at his head.

Anyway, the next day I went out to tell the raccoon I was sorry for yelling at it and to give it some food, but the cage was open and the raccoon was inexplicably gone. I assume someone took pity on it and let it go.

I'll bet whoever it was doesn't have a face anymore. This is one of those times when I'm really glad I listened to Boyfriend. If the thing tried to eat my fingers while I was merely trying to get it out of the rain, I can't imagine what would have happened if I had tried to free it.

So, I guess the moral of the story here is, don't try to save caged raccoons from the rain, because you'll end up being lucky to have all your fingers by the end of it, your good hair day will get ruined by the stupid rain, and your boyfriend will think you're some psychotic raccoon activist.