Hey guys. Due to the highly frustrating responses on the facebook page for the blog, I am writing on three different topics today. So today's post is split into three parts. Sorry for the spazzyness of it all, but it's really all your fault. Oh, and here's the link to the facebook page in case you are a loser and haven't already liked it. https://www.facebook.com/Toasterphobia
~I Am Apparently a Rain Goddess~
So, I've officially been working at Winn Dixie (Actually, technically we're Winn Dixie/Bi-Low now, as they told me FIVE MILLION TIMES at my training, since we merged with another company) for about a month and a half now. I thought to myself at the beginning of summer, "Oh, getting a job will be fun. I'll make money and feel independent. This will be great."
Little did I know the horrors in store for me.
First of all, I would just like to say that working a register during the five o'clock rush of people coming home from work is pretty much the equivalent to being dropped into the middle of a Star Trek convention and you're William Shatner. In a nutshell, HELL ON EARTH. Also, like everyone is trying to get your attention and talk to you and tell you what to do all at the same time.
But you know the worst part? It's not the five o'clock rush, or the aching feet, or the less-than-welcoming management staff.
It's the COUPONERS.
I'm pretty much totally convinced now that Satan created coupons especially for me, to punish me for all the bad things I've ever done. I swear, some of these women come through the line and at the end of the transaction they literally will pull out BINDERS full of coupons. And it wouldn't be so bad, except since Winn-Dixie COMPLETELY SUCKS, they don't register all the coupons in the system. So the vast majority of them REFUSE to scan. And then you have to squint super hard at all the little numbers and type in the coupon code manually. When this happens multiple times in a row, the little Coupon Queens get mad and they get all like, "Can you hurry this up?? I have kids to pick up from soccer practice." And I just want to be like, "Um, ma'am? Calm yourself. I have no problem whatsoever going all YOLO on you, throwing your coupons in your FACE, and running out of the store yelling obscenities."But obviously I can't do that, so I just have to be sweet and smiley and go, "I'm sorry, ma'am. I will certainly try to speed things up."
I HATE BEING NICE TO JERKS.
Also, customers seem to have a nasty habit of blaming me personally for all their problems. I had a lady come in last week, looking very agitated. She was sighing heavily and scowling at the tomatoes I was scanning like they had offended her in some way. Then she glares at me and goes, "It's RAINING." I was just like...."....Yes. It certainly is." She then gets extremely hissy and goes, "My son's BIRTHDAY PARTY was supposed to be today. It as a POOL PARTY. And now it's ruined. Because it's RAINING." At this point I was entirely fed up with her attitude and said as sweetly and sincerely as I could, "Would you like me to come to your house and hold a giant umbrella over your pool for you?" If looks could kill, I wouldn't be writing this right now, because she gave me the kinda stink eye I usually reserve for lawyers and republicans, and proceeded to storm out of the store. I was all, "Whatever. I charged you for Roma tomatoes instead of vine tomatoes. You had to pay three cents extra."
It's the little revenges that are the most satisfying.
~My First Kiss Went a Little Like This.......~
Alright, I need to set the whole scene for this before I tell you about the actual kiss. Mostly for MY benefit instead of yours, because I need to remind myself exactly what happened. It's a little fuzzy. But give me a break. It was like three years ago.
So, I was a Junior in high school. At this point in my life, I was a HUGE band nerd (still am.). I had been dating this guy (For the sake of protecting his identity, we shall call him "Previous Boyfriend" in this post) for about...a month, I think? I think it was around a month. Maybe shorter. I don't know. I'm terrible with remembering things like that. But I digress.
Anyway, this kid was a saxophone player in our band. Let's face it, everyone knows it's true, when you're a band kid, you typically date other band kids. It's just natural. Besides, saxophone players are the bomb diggity. At any rate, in spite of that, the whole relationship was rather awkward to begin with, due to several things.
1- I had never had a legit boyfriend before. So I had NO freaking idea what the crap to do with myself. How is a girlfriend supposed to act?? I STILL don't know. How I've managed to hang onto Boyfriend for almost a year I'll never know.
2- This particular guy was VERY experienced with women already, if you get my drift. Being the girl who still hadn't kissed anyone, this was just slightly intimidating. Okay, a LOT intimidating.
3- The guy ALSO had a very complicated romantic past with one of my best friends at the time, which obviously was uncomfortable for everyone involved.
4- Let's just be honest, I'm a naturally awkward individual.
With all that taken into account, I was still having trouble getting used to being someone's girlfriend. So kissing hadn't even crossed my mind. Heck, I was still trying to master the art of TALKING to him without feeling awkward.
So, a day at school came where Previous Boyferiend was acting strange. I would catch him giving me weird looks. Like, ALL DAY. And then at break, just after first period, he told me he had something for me after band practice that day.
For any of you that know me, you will already know my reaction to this statement without me telling you. For the rest of you, let me give you a little peek of what was going through my mind all day long.
"OH MY GOD, HE'S PROBABLY GONNA BREAK UP WITH ME. THAT'S IT. BECAUSE I'M DUMB. I'M A DUMB GIRLFRIEND. WHY AM I SO DUMB? WHY CAN'T I BE COOL?!?!? WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME???!!?! HE HATES ME. THAT'S PROBABLY WHAT IT IS. HE'S PROBABLY GOING TO TELL ME HE'S DATING SOMEONE BETTER. SOMEONE THAT LOOKS LIKE NATALIE PORTMAN. WHY CAN'T I LOOK LIKE NATALIE PORTMAN!??!??!?"
I've always been paranoid when it comes to relationships. Boyfriend is always telling me to chill out and not worry so much, but it never works. I am paranoid all the time. So you can imagine what a statement like, "I have something for you after band practice", coupled with the weird looks, would do to my brain.
So, after mentally tearing myself to shreds all day, the time finally came during band practice when the drum major told us it was time to quit and go home for the day. I walked back to the bandroom, avoiding Previous Boyfriend like the plague. Mostly because I didn't want to get dumped in front of the whole band.
While I'm in the guard room getting my stuff together, a little middle school saxophone player runs in and tells me, "(Insert Name Of Previous Boyfriend Here) wants you to come to the saxophone room when you're done." and ran out. This cued my complete mental breakdown and I began to hyperventilate. I forced myself to get a grip and walked to the saxophone room. I swear I felt like I was walking the Green Mile. I get in there and Previous Boyfriend is standing there, looking very annoyed while one of my friends giggles, looking at both of us. He tells her to go away and she does, leaving us alone in the room. He tells me to close my eyes, that he has something for me. I do, and at this point my brain is going, "HOLY CRAP. This is it. He's gonna dump me. I'm probably gonna open my eyes and he's gonna be holding a huge sign that says "CONGRATS!!! YOU'RE SINGLE!!!!!" I hate myself. It's because I don't look like Natalie Portman. I should shave my head."
However, instead of a break-up sign, I hear him move towards me. And then I feel something completely foreign to me touch my lips. And then I realize they're HIS lips. And my brain does this.
"CRUIALBVUELBVGTU;PI83R50YU FE FRHAJLBVCERLWyeiGU74hrlHLghlGHL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He pulls back and I open my eyes. He's smiling. I kinda manage a half-smile back. Then I feel awkward. Like, what do you SAY to someone after that? "Oh hey, thanks. That was nice." So I kinda turn to walk out of the room. My original plan was to sweep gracefully out the door. What ACTUALLY happened was that I stumbled on my way out, ran INTO the door, hit my face on the doorframe, and then ran out like a retard, giggling the whole time.
So, overall, I think I handled the whole situation pretty well.
Thankfully for CURRENT Boyfriend, I have learned how to kiss people without running into doorframes and giggling. For the most part anyway. Sometimes I still giggle.
....I'm just gonna shut up now.
~Why College and High School Are Incomparable To Each Other, Because High School Sucks And College Kicks Booty~
I was a little perplexed as to how exactly approach this post. I have decided that the simplest thing to do is to make a list. So here you go. I will most likely do updates on this post, as I will probably think of more things later on.
High School- If you miss more than three days of school, you get in trouble. And your parents get called. Also, you can't be exempt from exams.
College- "Taking attendance"???? HA!!!!!!!!
High School- If the teachers can't come to class, a substitute is hired and class goes on as normal.
College- Teacher doesn't show up within the first fifteen minutes of class, you get to go home. Or to Taco Bell. Speaking of which,
High School- Mommy makes all your food at home.
College- TACO BELL EVERY NIGHT OF YOUR LIFE.
High School- "OH MY GOD, I MADE A B!!! I'M SO DUMB, I'M DROPPING OUT!!!!!!"
College- "OH MY GOD, I MADE A B!!!! I'M A MOTHERLICKIN GENIUS!!!!!!!"
High School- "IT'S THE WEEKEND!!! I'M GONNA STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!"
College- "IT'S THE WEEKEND!!! I'M GONNA SLEEP ALL FREAKIN DAY!!!!"
High School- If you even chew gum in class, you get in trouble.
College- Not only do people bring full meals to class, sometimes the professor will walk by your desk and take a bit of whatever it is you're eating. It's good to find out what foods your professors DON'T like, that way you can eat it in class and they won't steal it. For instance, never bring Cadbury Eggs to Religion classes with Dr. Eggleston at Huntingdon. You will not get to eat any of them. But you are perfectly safe bringing them to Dr. Albritton's class. The only thing he likes to steal are Cheetos.
High School- Come to class fully dressed, looking clean and presentable.
College- Roll out of bed. Grab a box of Poptarts. Come to class as you are. Seriously. I went to class one day on accident without a bra.
High School- Fire drills are no big deal. They are even welcomed, because it means you get out of class for a few minutes.
College- Fire drills are still no big deal. Unless you happen to be me, in which case they seem to occur EVERY TIME I DECIDE TO TAKE A SHOWER. If I have to walk outside my dorm ONE MORE TIME wearing just a towel, I'll be upset.
High School- Freshmen guys hit on the senior girls.
College- Senior guys hit on the freshmen girls.
High School- "Failed a test, no big deal. There will be plenty more. I can bring it up."
College- "FAILED A TEST, MY LIFE IS OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!"
High School- "Disney movies?? Nah, I wanna watch Saw. Disney is for babies."
College- "( one person in a room)-LET'S GET DOWN TO BUSINESSSSSS!!!!!" (Everyone else)- "TO DEFEATTTTT, THE HUNS!!!!!!!!!"
High School- Ask you parent for money, they give you five bucks- "What?? I can't buy ANYTHING with five dollars!!!!"
College- "OH MY GOD, I CAN GET LIKE FIVE TACOS AT TACO BELL!!!!!!!!"
This is all I can come up with right now. There are lots more, but my brain hurts. Also I'm hungry. Time for Family Guy and FOOD.
Don't forget to like my facebook page, guys!!!! Bye :)