Sunday, July 10, 2011

Myra, stop it!!!

So, the title of this post might be confusing to you guys....not unlike a lot of my OTHER post titles...haha. But seriously, I had like an epiphany today, and I felt like I needed to share it with SOMEONE.....and what better place than my blog??

The song that is in the video below pretty much says it all, so if you would, just give it a listen before you read the rest of the post.








So. Now that the whole ambiance is set here, I'm going to explain to you what all this nonsense is about.


I, as some of you may know and some of you may not, am a very closed-off person. I don't like to share my feelings with people. Sometimes, I like to pretend that I'm this hard person who doesn't trust anyone and never allows herself to get hurt. But underneath that, I probably trust easier than anyone else in the world. And because of that, I do often get hurt. I can't tell you how many times I've sat in my bed crying at night because of someone hurting me. I am very vulnerable, even though I like to act like I'm not.

Call me a dreamer, but I like to believe that essentially people are good, and that in everyone there is some measure of childlike innocence. I don't like to recognize that there is evil in the world. Oh, I know it's there, all right.....I just don't like to acknowledge its existence. Example. I dated this guy who cheated on me, and so I dumped him. But I wanted to believe he had made a human mistake, so I took him back. And he cheated on me again. Now, I'm not so much of an idiot as to have taken him back a second time....but most people would have run away in the opposite direction after the FIRST time. However, being the somewhat naive person I am, I couldn't comprehend in my mind doing something like that. Let alone doing it twice.

Now, I'm not blaming this young man. in fact, he and I are in an amiable relationship in which I do not dislike him one bit. He is NOT a bad person, he just made some bad decisions. And who hasn't? I'm the last one to point the finger of blame in someone else's face. In fact, I think essentially this guy is pretty nice. As my mom always tells me, "There are mad kids and sad kids, but there's no such thing as bad kids." And I believe that whole-heartedly.

I'm going off on a tangent. Let me get back on track.

What I'm trying to say is, because of my naivety and vulnerability (although I can pretend all I want I'm a tough chick who doesn't depend on anyone else OR trust them, it's a total LIE) I've been hurt a lot. Some of it I handled well, some of it I didn't. For a long time, I did things to release the hurt and frusteration that I'm not proud of. (Again, I didn't go out and get drunk, do drugs, or have sex with a bunch of people...I just did stuff that wasn't good for me.) And I pretty much have made a habit of living in the past. This is pretty much what goes through my head on a daily basis.

"Well, maybe if I hadn't done this......Or what if I had said this instead.....I should have just......If I hadn't been so......Maybe things wouldn't be this way if I......Did I do something wrong???......Maybe I said something......I'm not good enough......If I was this way......What did I do to deserve this?"


And let me tell you, I have gotten REAL tired of it. All day long, over and over, wondering if I could have done things different. When you know what? None of it is really important anymore.


Something I've realized, is that you can't live in the past. Because if you do, you will miss all the beautiful and wonderful things happening NOW. And I feel like (as stated in the title) God id telling me to STOP worrying about things I can't change and make my present something worth remembering. Dwelling on things that have already happened won't change how they happened, or how you felt about it. Reliving the events that hurt you over and over won't take away the pain. If anything, it makes it worse. What if you like, broke your arm? And you sat around all pathetic in your cast thinking about all the things you could have done to NOT break your arm. Is it gonna make your arm any less broken? No! Is it going to take away the pain you felt when it happened? NO. It's the same with things that hurt your heart. Thinking about what you could have done isn't going to make your heart any less hurt, or take away the memory of what hurt it. What you CAN do, is learn what you can, apply it to your FUTURE, and never think about it again.


And for that matter, when someone breaks your heart, it's not YOUR fault. I know it feels like it is, and you go over and over every little detail in your head wondering what you did wrong. Oftentimes, you did NOTHING wrong. I promise. And a lot of the time, THEY did nothing wrong either. Sometimes.....things just don't work out. And you can't control someone else's feelings over you any more than you can control the ocean tide or the lightning during a thunderstorm. You can't change the past. It is inevitably going to remain the same no matter what you do. You can't change the way people act. The one thing you can do, though?

Stop beating yourself up, and move on. I know, because I have beat myself up so much over things that are over and done with, I'm surprised someone hasn't already called child protective services on me for abuse. But seriously....one thing I've learned about life, if I've learned anything at all, is that it goes on. And you can either go with it, or you can stay in the past all alone. Which will you choose?

Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to move on from this blog post (because it's in the past, and I'm applying this whole "moving on" theme here" to go chat with my good friend Jordan. Because I feel a very long and hilarious conversation in my FUTURE.

See how nicely that works out? Moving on is fun. Try it.

:)

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